Fear

fear

noun

1 A very unpleasant or disturbing feeling caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

2 A state or condition marked by this feeling.

3 A feeling of disquiet or apprehension.

4 A reason for dread or apprehension.

5 Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a deity.

What rules your life?

My whole life it’s been fear.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of others opinions.

Fear of criticism.

Fear of saying or doing the “wrong” thing.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of losing the familiar as my security blanket.

Fear of discomfort.

Fear of losing God’s love.

Fear of losing my salvation for doing the “wrong” thing.

Fear of being viewed as mean for being honest.

Fear of not fitting in and being viewed as a "bad" Christian Whatever that is.

But recently something died in me.

When my dad died in September unexpectedly, his death, sparked a chain reaction of freedom in my soul I have not felt since I was young.

His death represented new beginnings.

We had a complicated relationship. He was a very conflicted, hurting man. He was abusive to his family in many ways, and he was an angry man. He was manipulative and hurtful and an alcoholic.

But he wasn’t always.

He had a big heart. He taught me about humor, and passion, and good food, and he often shared his love for Jesus. I do have fond memories with him.

As conflicted as he was, he was not a healthy person to be around. Consequently, at the time of his death I hadn’t seen him in roughly 13 years. Along with the good he taught me, he also taught me that his love for me was contingent on wether I did what pleased him or not. He subconsciously taught me to not disagree. He taught me to second guess what I knew to be the truth. He taught me how to grow up too quickly. He taught me to walk on eggshells. He didn't help me learn who I was as a dad should, but unknowingly taught me how to form to those around me.

In September when he passed away, my fear of life died with him.

For years I had been working through the hurt in my heart and the healing I needed to do to grow and repair the damage done. God knew that when he passed away I’d be in the exact place I needed to be to process it for His glory and my good. He’d been faithfully working on my heart for a long time.

I wrestled so deeply with the testimonies of different family members that knew him when he was young.

“I don’t know how he could not have truly loved the Lord knowing what we went through together when we were young.”

MY dad? The dad who had caused so much pain and conflict in our family?

It made me angry to even think that he was possibly with my savior in heaven.

Over the coming months as I grappled with this possibility God began to reveal to me all of the lies I believed about my Christian walk that weren’t the gospel.

The judgement I had felt and had doled out over peripheral issues had plagued me for my entire adult life, and instead of living by God's grace first, it had trapped me in a cage of fear.

Was how my dad chose to be and how he chose to treat the family he was supposed to steward, love, and protect right and God-honoring? By no means.

But was he beyond Gods love? By no means.

Was he a conflicted sinner like all of us that needs God’s grace? Just like me? Absolutely.

So I wrestled. I wrestled with the fact that his life didn’t show the fruit of one who walks closely with God. Yet I had to reconcile the fact that we are all broken. We all are at different stages of our walk with the Lord. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. I had to reconcile that it’s not up to me. And that I can’t and won’t know where he is.

All I can do is trust in the Lords grace. That there is so much grace. Even when my flesh wants to say it’s unfair to even think of the possibility.

Because the truth is, it’s unfair in our human minds for any of us to receive the grace available to all. It’s hard to fathom anything so loving and unconditional.

And yet it remains.

As the Lord has convicted me of this understanding- that I am not, in fact, the arbiter of truth and distributor of grace (thank God) it has allowed me to break out of the cage of legalistic Christianity that has kept me from being who God created me to be for His glory. The judgement I subconsciously learned and passed on others also confined me to a life of believing I had to live a certain cookie cutter way that dimmed the light God uniquely gave to me to shine for Him.

There is a serious issue with the American church. And it is not in thinking that God’s law is just judgmental and mean. It’s also not in thinking that His law is not loving. Those who know the Lord know His law is a loving guide that brings us to Himself, Who is love.

Therefore, the issue lies in not prioritizing sharing who Jesus Himself is and why He died. It lies in not teaching people to know Him.

And instead dying on the hill of peripheral issues like homeschooling vs public schooling, organic vs non organic, republican or democrat, stay at home mom vs working mom, and the list goes on.

Do I have my own opinions on these topics and could truly articulate why I’m correct? Absolutely.

Is there absolute truth regardless of what I or anyone else think? Without a shadow of a doubt.

But there is so. much. grace. while we each trust God to lead us each to the truth in our walks with Him.

So seek Jesus. Teach of Him and His character. Speak truth. But be loving and gracious. It’s not our job to convict, but the Holy Spirit's.

As I walk forward in who God is showing me He created me to be, there are no more eggshells to step on. No more fear. From now on I filter everything through what pleases God and brings Him glory, and trust Him to convict me where I fall short. I encourage you to do the same.

And if anyone has anything to say about it, they can take it up with Him.

“The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?”

-Psalm 27:1